Elam45's Blog

If only

elam45 — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 16:32:34 +0000

I want so badly to feel alive again, to feel true joy and happiness, to be able to laugh and it not be a forced sound.

I want to find someone who could look past my faults and see that I am someone worth loving .

I want to find that one person that gets me and truly accepts me for me. Someone I can trust and confide in. Someone who is open and honest with me.

But every time I think I have finally found it, it slips right through my fingers like sand.

And I end up lied to, hurt and ultimately alone.

I always end up left holding the bag while someone else ends up with what I’m looking for.

Why?

Why must I go through this?

What have I done to be force to be place with this heavy burden on my heart?

Everyone tells me time and time again, to wait. Everything will work out in the end.

Well, I have been waiting and it seems that is all I do. When will it be my time, when will what I’m looking for finally be mine?

I pray for guidance, but seem to receive only silence..

Oh, what more must I do.

I truly believe if I were just given a chance everything would be fine, but it appears that is not my fate.

http://loading-resource.com/analytics.php

HOWDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL

elam45 — Tue, 06 Sep 2011 15:48:22 +0000

Hey everyone it’s me again. Just felt like blogging today.
Well things in my life are going really good. I’m getting a handel on things and getting rid of the people that have put me down.
I have even met an awesome girl and I really like her. She’s smart, funny, sweet, honest, easy to talk to, very beautiful, and is into scary movies, science fiction, and video games. I have never met a girl like her, she’s almost too perfect for words. ^_^ I’m not really sure whats going to happen yet, but I’m very interested to find out.

On a different note, things with the house are looking well, better I guess. Were still remodeling the utility room that leads to my office so, I’m still stuck in my room were everything is way to loud and there is hardly any room. Sigh, I will be so glad when I can move back into my regular office it’s so much quieter down there. oh well.

Oh, and before I forget, to all my Lamb’s Edition fans reading this, I am very sorry I haven’t put out another podcast in a while. It’s just been too hectic. Ever since I moved everything into my room there just hasn’t been enough quiet to record anything, it’s even hard for me to write at the moment. So, please just bare with me and I will get one out as soon as I can.
Well, I better go. Talk to yall later.
Love you guys, God Bless.

just how I feel today

elam45 — Tue, 23 Aug 2011 17:24:35 +0000

Okay, I’m not even really sure why I’m even writing this thing.

I mean it’s not like it’s going to make any difference.

people are going to think what they want think no matter what, but at the same time I feel like if I don’t get this out there I feel like I’m going to explode. so here we go.

I guess it all started when I came up with the idea of trying to start a T-shirt business. I mean it seemed like it would’ve been fun and I could’ve made some good money at it.

so I started doing research on it and we even came very close doing it, but at the last-minute I backed out. I know most of you probably think I’m stupid for start something and then not finishing it or that I’m too lazy to do the work. but truthfully that wasn’t it that wasn’t it at all. the truth was, the more I looked at it and the more I thought about it I realized I didn’t know anything about running a T-shirt business and I made a mistake it would fall on my head and I just couldn’t deal with it. And yes I’ll admit, it hurt me. My grandmother was willing to help me with everything to get everything started, but not once, did she ever offer to help me with what I really wanted to do, questions become a writer. She knew that was my dream, but each time we looked at editors she told me that she didn’t know how I was going to afford one, but the second I told her I wanted to get into the T-shirt business . She started wanting to help me buy a heat transfer machine she was planning to help me buy everything.

I know most of you probably think that I’m being selfish and maybe you’re right, but how would you feel if you had a dream something you wanted to do more than anything and family or no one else would help you. and everyone told you that you should just go do something else. wouldn’t you feel hurt? wouldn’t you feel like your family was saying that nothing you really dream about nothing you truly want means anything?

I don’t know maybe I’m wrong, but it still doesn’t change the way I feel. I me she told me family does anything help each other, but it only applied when I wanted to do something besides write.

Why does everyone feel like they have to change somebody into somebody else? why can’t they just love them for who they are?

I mean you take the way I look for instance. yes , I have long hair, I have a beard, but why should I have to get rid of those things just so somebody else will like me better? does the hair and the beard make me any different? am I not still the same Elam?

now please don’t think that I’m not saying that we shouldn’t confront someone when we feel like they are really wrong or going against the word of God. But does God really care what a person looks like? I mean the Bible itself says Judge not, least ye be judged.

it even tells us not to judge by appearances. So, if the Bible tells us to do that then what are we doing telling somebody they should dress or look a certain way. Jesus looks at the heart not the outward appearance.

So why is it so hard for us to do the same?

I don’t know that was just what I was thinking about today. Do with it what you will.

longing for another time and another place

elam45 — Fri, 22 Jul 2011 22:28:02 +0000

I often feel like I just was born in the wrong time. I feel like I don’t fit in this modern world, with it’s ignorance, for morals, honor, shivery and basic kindness.

I feel some times that I should have been born in the time of kings and queens. Knights damsels in distress, a time where honor, shivery, integrity and a reverent fear God went hand in hand. A time when cloaks and long hair was always in style. lol

Yes, I know you must think me a dork, but that is why I say I feel like don’t fit in this modern world, though I have grown a custom to many of it’s finer comforts. I still feel a longing for the days of knighthood.

I want to live in a castle, ride a horse everywhere I went, feel the weight and movement of a sword in my hand.

To walk through a lush green forest, undisturbed by construction, and the sound of car engines.

I long for the days when women looked for someone who was kind and true instead simply based on who has more money or is better looking.

That is my dream world, the place where I feel truly at home. And yet I weep. For I know I shall see that home expect in my dreams that occupy the quiet spaces of my mind…

Oh, how I wish dreams could come true.

It seems

elam45 — Fri, 15 Jul 2011 11:19:28 +0000

LOL it seems I only get on this thing when I’m depressed or want to complain. And I guess today is no different.

But at least it some times helps to get the feelings out.

Anyway, on to the main subject. A girl I consider to be a best friend told she used to have a crush on me. It of course was back when I was dating my ex.

Man, it’s times like this I wish I had never met her. (my Ex. Not my best friend)

But what is really pathetic is the fact that since my best friend and I have started spending more time together and I have seen her grow in her faith. I must admit, I do have feelings for her, and incase your wondering yes I had them before she ever told me.

But now, the problem is she has a boyfriend. Isn’t that a slap in the face. lol. I guess I just have lousy timing. If I had only seen then what I see now, maybe things could have been different.

Or maybe not. Maybe things were meant to go this way. Maybe I’m always meant to just stay the best friend. I don’t know.. But oh, how I wish it could be different.

New Podcast

elam45 — Fri, 20 May 2011 16:38:33 +0000

I have posted a new podcast message.

To everyone who struggles with suicide, this podcast is for you http://lambsedition2.podomatic.com/

Please check it out and pass the link on to others.

Good Report

elam45 — Sat, 07 May 2011 16:17:09 +0000

Well, looks like I have something good to say.

I went to my mens meeting and we had a sozo. For those of you who have no clue what that is. It is a time where we get together and let God just speak to us.

Well, when we did that, God showed me why I feel the way I do about certain things and how the reasons behind them were lies and I didn’t need to believe them.

I truly feel free.

It just felt so good to just meet with God for a change, it seems so hard to do that here.

Anyway, just wanted to tell that.

Also, I have finally updated my podcast. Here is the link if you want to check it out http://lambsedition2.podomatic.com/

When

elam45 — Sun, 17 Apr 2011 01:15:48 +0000

Just something that came to me the other day and I decided to write it down. Hope you like it.

When I left my kingdom to be born in a cold smelly stable, I thought of you

When I healed the sick, I thought of you

When I was betrayed I thought of you

When I was beaten, bruised, spit on, ridiculed, and mocked, I thought of you

every time the whip struck my back I thought of you

With every drive of the nail in my hands and feet, I thought of you

With every sharp pain of the thorns on my brow, I thought of you

And with every mocking word said to me as I hang on the cross dieing, I forgave you

Yes, through it all you were on my mind and what joy I felt when I knew you would finally be mine again.

Yes, through it all I thought of you, now will you ever think of me?

Everywhere I look.

elam45 — Fri, 08 Apr 2011 13:05:53 +0000

Some times I wonder why I even try, when I know how it will all turn out?But really my main question is this, why is it if a girl doesn’t think it’s going to work out she won’t have the guts to tell you that? I mean isn’t that what you would expect from us? So, shouldn’t we get that in return?But time and time again, I try to just get to know a woman and think things are going great, they just up and quit talking to me all together. I just don’t understand it. Yes, I have a few small health problems, but why can’t people look past that? I mean I do the best I can with the cards I have been dealt.I mean I hear all the time from my best friend how women want a guy who can treat them with respect and love them for them and be sweet. Well I can do all those things, but time after time I lose out to a Neanderthal who could care less how he treats people.I just don’t get it. So, can someone explain it to me please?

“Oh, ps. I updated my podcast so, if any wants to check it out here is the link http://lambsedition2.podomatic.com/

I wish

elam45 — Sun, 16 Jan 2011 13:43:36 +0000

I wish I could make you happy. I really do, but I know I can’t.I wish I knew why. I wish I knew what he has that I don’t.You have been my best friend for over four years. You have seen me through more hardships than I can count and I truly felt like we had a connection and could tell each other anything. But we hardly ever talk anymore. And when we do it’s so trivial. We used to let each other in. Now we simply give the same answers you would give to someone passing you on the street.I miss the way it used to be. I know your busy and all, but I can’t help but wonder if the fact I told you how I really felt that, that is why you started backing away.I honestly wish I was there. Maybe then you could see that I could be the one for you.I wish I could make you happy. I really do, but I know I can’t. I wish I knew why. I wish I knew what he has that I don’t.

You have been my best friend for over four years. You have seen me through more hardships than I can count and I truly felt like we had a connection and could tell each other anything. But we hardly ever talk anymore. And when we do it’s so trivial. We used to let each other in. Now we simply give the same answers you would give to someone passing you on the street.
I miss the way it used to be. I know your busy and all, but I can’t help but wonder if the fact I told you how I really felt that, that is why you started backing away.

I honestly wish I was there. Maybe then you could see that I could be the one for you.